The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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