We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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