How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
