I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
