I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
