Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
