you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
