you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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