His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
