the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
