Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
