i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
