need another drink. this is the easiest way
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
