The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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