i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
