highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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