the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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