I skipped work to stalk him.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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