I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
