There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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