Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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