Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
