I wish I could teleport
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
