dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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