Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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