Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
