I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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