I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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