it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
