i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just sucked dick on a ferry
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
