I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
