I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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