We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
