When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Come on in and take your pants off
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