my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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