My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
