Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
