bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
