I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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