I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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