the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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