its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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