then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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