the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
