he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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