I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
