saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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