Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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