the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
