im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
