just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
