Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
