my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
did i just pee glitter
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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