it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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