I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
