actually, I'm a sock model
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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